The Holidays are Work in and of Themselves
A.K.A. You're not a bad person for feeling exhausted after family gatherings.
I work with my family. Even before my husband and I got married, we discussed how—if we did—we would move north, live on the same property as his parents, and work the family business together. And I was excited. I still am. But after traveling for Thanksgiving and back, I found myself getting irritable. We weren’t even open, we were just prepping for the days when we were. And how dare I? I’d had three days off to travel to see my family, I was being selfish and it was stupid that I couldn’t go right back in to work like usual.
But then I realized, I was working all those days off. It’s folly to think I wasn’t.
Anyone who has even a remotely strained relationship with family knows the way your body sags when you get in the car after a party. Maybe it even went well, like this Thanksgiving did with my family, but there was still that constant undercurrent of stress. Looking for passive-aggressive remarks. Whispered judgement. The constant monologue of “I’m actually being myself this time, not the person they expect me to be, will they accept it well or will it cause a problem?”
Putting in unnecessary emotional work has become second nature for so many of us we don’t even realize we’re doing it.
That’s not even acknowledging the folks who do this and host.
The holidays are work. Family is work, especially when you have a history of division and difficulty with the individuals now pouring your coffee and discussing Frankenstein with you. So leaving that and then jumping back in to another setting full of expectations and labor? Yeah. It makes sense why we don’t feel like we got a break. Those of us who work with our families especially.
Frankly, I think that’s one of the issues with modern society. Community efforts are not seen as commitments, as a form of work, anymore. We used to live in a society where preparing for family and community events, like holidays, were seen as things that required work and resulted in a peaceful, joyous event. Now, they’re just things that keep our capitalist society from chugging along.
In Jewish culture, we have full days prior to our holidays where we’re supposed to be preparing and setting up so the actual event itself is a time of celebration and rest. Work is not the end-all-be-all. Sure, it’s important, but the people around you and the things you are coming together to celebrate are more important. Getting full days off now is harder than pulling teeth, not only because the Christian-majority world sees Judaism as an invalid faith and therefore an invalid culture, but because we’re not aligned to the majority of holidays (Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving), and thus end up taking more time out of the churning gears of business. We have many more, all throughout the year, and we are commanded, by religious statutes in our holy texts, to rest.
And capitalism does not like that.
I’m blessed in that my in-laws, while Christian, are incredibly respectful and understanding of my traditions. I was blessed before that, while working at my synagogue, where of course we got the days off we needed.
But that doesn’t mean it’s right. And it doesn’t change the fact that we’re still only supposed to take one day off for the holiday, instead of actually letting it be an extended time of rest and joy and community like it’s supposed to be.
The holidays are work. And it’s not your fault that you feel drained. Community—family—takes work. And it’s the fault of our society that we have had those traditions, that promised time of rest and relaxation, taken from us.
Do what you can, day by day, to minimize your stress. Set your decorations out one night with music playing, and don’t look at your emails. Don’t talk about politics. Work to reclaim that relaxation we’re supposed to have. Even if it’s just for an hour.